Thursday, March 22, 2012

Jarral's Miracle Cure (Tour Divide secret weapon)

This past week during spring break we took the kids down to St. David, AZ which is just east of Tucson to play with my parents.

It of course had been warm down south all week until we left. Then a big storm hit and it was pretty cold and even snowed on us a bit. Oh well, I’m used to riding in the cold…. I did however stumble upon a silver bullet, a miracle cure, a secret weapon for a race such as the Tour Divide, TD, while eating out at a joint like you would find on the TD. Something that will save you from almost any dire situation that you may be in while riding through countless miles of nowhere. Something you can find at many locations including convenience stores, burger places, etc. What could it be? This cure-all? This good old marvel of American ingenuity and know how? Well let me share my cure with you! All you need to do is send me 19.95 +S&H.... Or read on!

It is this:

The former "secret" weapon
That’s right the little packets of mayonnaise that you find in little bowls throughout the finer greasy spoons in the backwoods of the good ol’ US of A. 

This little packet of goodness can cure you and your bike of everything that needs curing! It cures a squeaky chain. It cures chapped skin and lips. It stops sunburn in its tracks. Need more chamois cream for those long days in the saddle--this is it! No need for a tooth brush or floss, simply slide the packet between you teeth. Need some tire sealant (aka Stans) for your tubeless set up? Simply add a few packets of my miracle cure! Blow out a sidewall on your tire with a sharp rock? Simply place the empty package on the inside of the tear and you are cured! Cures sore muscles (apply and massage). Cures bites of reptiles, spiders, animals and scorpions. Cures frostbite! Cures road rash and bruises.Kills bacteria with its antiseptic qualities. Cures frostbite! Cures a host of other ailments including a sore tooth, rheumatism, diarrhea, loss of libido, sprains and any other malady. Cures broken spokes and chains (mayonnaise wrapper chain). And finally if that weren't enough it cures hunger and low blood sugar with a low glycemic index!

Well I really shouldn't have let you all know of my miracle cure but in the interest of saving the human race and furthering humanity I felt I had to share. Please do send the $19.95 to my fundraiser to raise money for diabetes research as there IS NO CURE FOR THAT!